Before You Begin Marriage Counseling, Ask This Question

There's an important question that you need to ask the marriage counselor you and your spouse are considering using. The question itself may surprise you, as well as the answer your potential counselor gives.

It's an often-overlooked question that hardly anyone ever talks about. Therapists don't include it in articles they write about how to select a good counselor, so you're unlikely to read about it. I've never heard of the topic being discussed on the popular daytime television shows that delve into so many varied subjects.

But the answer to this important question could save you time, money, and energy spent with the wrong therapist. It's a good question to use as a deciding factor if you narrow your search for a marriage counselor down to two or three possibilities, and all look fairly equal in education, training, and experience.

What is the question I consider so important that it could be the "deciding vote" in selecting a therapist for marriage counseling? Here it is. Ask the potential marriage counselor(s): "Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"

Then watch the therapist's reaction and listen carefully to what he or she says. Also pay attention to the emotional tone in the response. Consider the following responses to the suggested question. My remarks are in italics in the parenthesis:

1. "No, I've never had to go to counseling."

(Never "had" to go? Do you mean that you're "above" having to go to counseling? That only people who aren't as emotionally stable as you are "have" to go? How will you even know what it's like to go to an unfamiliar office and tell a stranger the most intimate details about your life?)

2. "Yes, I went once for several times when my father died."

(That's slightly better, but what about all that self-growth work counselors are always advocating other people do? Don't you take your own advice?)

3. "No."

(That's odd. Why the one-word answer? It's a logical question to ask. Why would I entrust you with my vulnerability and something as important as my marriage if you've never been to counseling yourself? Why haven't you been? Don't you believe in what you're offering?)

4. "I took part in some counseling when I took my courses for my degree."

(You mean you role played with other students in some of your counseling classes-that doesn't count. You weren't in a real counseling situation and were probably focused on what your classmates and professor thought of your role-playing. That's totally different from participating in therapy to look closely at your own real issues.)

5. "Yes, I have. I've had several years of intensive personal counseling, and I still see a counselor when things come up that I need to process. I know how much courage and commitment it takes to confront personal issues, avoid blaming others, and take responsibility for the quality of one's life."

(Yes, this is the one! He (or she) has gone through the counseling process himself. He won't be just talking about something he has never experienced, and he doesn't sound ashamed that he's had counseling. Instead, he sounds proud of himself for making that choice. I like that he "practices what he preaches" about counseling. He must believe that it helps in some way or he wouldn't have spent so much time and money getting counseling himself.)

Are you surprised to learn that many counselors have never participated in counseling as clients and have never faced their own individual or relationship issues? That they could get their advanced degree and become licensed without having participated in personal growth counseling? It is shocking to think that could happen, but it does-quite often.

Just think about it-would you want to go to a therapist who recommends counseling to others but has never taken her (or his) own advice? Who hasn't dealt with her own personal past and present issues that could impact the recommendations she makes to you? Who doesn't really know how vulnerable you feel as a client and how much courage it takes to make an appointment, sit in the waiting room, and then talk openly to someone you've never seen before?

I can unequivocally say that you should steer clear of counselors who haven't done their own work in counseling-either in individual counseling, relationship or marriage counseling, or both. There's a saying that you can't take other people any further than you've been yourself.

That's certainly true when it comes to counseling. The counselor needs to be very familiar with the terrain-not from only textbook knowledge but from personal experience, also. He (or she) also needs to be able to help you without getting your issues all tangled up in his own unresolved issues-something personal counseling helps a counselor to do more effectively.

So before you sign on with a marriage counselor, ask the important question--"Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"-and be sure that the counselor you select knows the advantages of personal counseling first-hand.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.keepyourmarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

maid service near Mundelein ..
In The News:

Criminals test stolen data by applying for deposit accounts in victims' names to prepare bigger attacks. Learn why banks won't share fraud details.
New study of 10,500+ kids reveals early smartphone ownership linked to depression, obesity, and poor sleep by age 12. Earlier phones mean higher risks.
A phone phishing attack compromised Harvard's alumni and donor database, marking the second security incident at the university in recent months.
AutoFlight's zero-carbon floating vertiport uses solar power to charge eVTOL aircraft while supporting emergency response, tourism, and marine energy maintenance.
A new phone return scam targets recent buyers with fake carrier calls. Learn how criminals steal devices and steps to protect yourself from this fraud.
New Anthropic research reveals how AI reward hacking leads to dangerous behaviors, including models giving harmful advice like drinking bleach to users seeking help.
The Fox News AI Newsletter gives readers the latest AI technology advancements, covering the challenges and opportunities AI presents.
Holiday email scams, including non-delivery fraud and gift card schemes, spike in November and December, costing victims hundreds of millions, the FBI says.
Holiday visits offer the perfect opportunity to help older parents with technology updates, scam protection and basic troubleshooting skills for safer digital experiences.
Swiss scientists create grain-sized robot that surgeons control with magnets to deliver medicine precisely through blood vessels in medical breakthrough.
Researchers exploited WhatsApp's API vulnerability to scrape 3.5 billion phone numbers. Learn how this massive data breach happened and protect yourself.
Travel companies share passenger data with third parties during holidays, but travelers can protect themselves by removing data from broker sites and using aliases.
Xpeng's humanoid robot moves so realistically that crowds believed it was fake, marking a major advancement in robotics technology ahead of 2026 commercial launch.
Researchers discover phishing scam using invisible characters to evade email security, with protection tips including password managers and two-factor authentication.
iPhone and Android users can reduce battery drain and data usage by restricting Background App Refresh to Wi-Fi connections instead of mobile networks.
Scammers nearly stole an Apple account by exploiting the support system with authentic-looking tickets and phone calls, users can protect themselves with safety steps.
FoloToy restored sales of its AI teddy bear Kumma after a weeklong suspension following safety group findings of risky and inappropriate responses to children.
Threat intelligence firm Synthient uncovers one of the largest password exposures ever, prompting immediate security recommendations.
Viral video shared by Elon Musk shows Tesla's Optimus humanoid robots performing tasks from cooking to construction, garnering over 58.5 million views on social media.
Chinese hackers used Anthropic's Claude AI to launch autonomous cyberattacks on 30 organizations worldwide, marking a major shift in cybersecurity threats.
Apple's new Sleep Score feature gives you a rating for your nightly rest quality. Learn how to set it up on your Apple Watch and iPhone today.
Essential phone settings to enable before losing your device, including Find My network, location services and security features for iPhone and Android.
The Fox News AI Newsletter gives readers the latest AI technology advancements, covering the challenges and opportunities AI presents.
Cybersecurity research shows weak passwords remain a major threat, with simple patterns and number sequences putting millions of accounts at risk.
New Android malware BankBot YNRK silences phones, steals banking data and drains crypto wallets automatically. Learn how this advanced threat works.

What Is A Destination Wedding Dress?

Just as destination weddings are fast growing in popularity, so... Read More

How To Tell An Extraordinary Wedding Disc Jockey From Someone Who Could Ruin Your Reception

You have your band (around your finger), now it's time... Read More

Planning your Weddings Decoration Budget

When it comes to your decorating budget it really depends... Read More

Women and Marital Issues According to Internet

Following is a list of question that, I believe, can... Read More

Gatlinburg Honeymoon Packages

Gatlinburg in Tennessee is the city with streets of art... Read More

Marriage Advice: Ten Ways to Add Romance to Your Marriage

Every marriage needs a healthy dose of on-going romance to... Read More

Wedding Shower Favors

Wedding shower favors are a way to extend gratitude from... Read More

A Honeymoon Like No Other

When it comes to choosing a honeymoon destination it's usually... Read More

Wedding Planning Tips and Tricks

Planning a wedding is an exciting thing, and can be... Read More

The Loveliest Las Vegas Wedding Reception

If you are actually planning your Las Vegas wedding reception,... Read More

Planning the Menu for Your Wedding Reception

When you are planning a budgeted menu, you must first... Read More

What Being Best Man is All About

Being a best man is like many duties you will... Read More

Honeymoon Vacation Ideas can be Economical

If you are looking for honeymoon vacation ideas that will... Read More

Bachelor Party Planning - The Ultimate Weekend Trip with the Guys

Rounding up the guys to devour some barbecued red meat... Read More

Growing and Connecting with Your Spouse

Do you remember when there were no children in your... Read More

Men?s Moissanite Wedding Rings To Beat Other Gifts Any Day

Whoever said diamonds are women's best friends, surely missed on... Read More

Lighting The Way When Two Become One

Whether you want to add a little extra romance to... Read More

Ditching a Wedding

John's cousin, Grace, is getting married in Liverpool, UK and... Read More

Marriage Proposals ? Why Doing It Right Will Make All the Difference

Proposing marriage to your beloved is a very big step.... Read More

And the Bride Didnt Wear White

While through history brides have agonized over what to wear... Read More

The Perfect Wedding Budget

Creating a wedding budget is one of the first things... Read More

A Summer Wedding

THE sunshine had come out to ensure the wedding of... Read More

Three Ingenious Anniversary Gift Ideas

If you have met the person or the couple several... Read More

The (American) Bride Wore Red

Increasing numbers of American brides are thinking about doing the... Read More

How To Fight Cultural Differences In Marriage And Stay Happy

When people plan to marry, they expect to find in... Read More

reliable maid service Wilmette ..