How To Keep Love Growing Through All The Ups And Downs

The relationship expert on i.village.com, I am the author of many books on relationships and Zen including Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), www.livingbyzen.com Some other books of mine include Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon And Schuster), Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World), Wiley, and Why Men Leave, (Putnam), What He Can't Tell You And Needs To Say, (Putnam).

We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they wonder if it's possible to have the same success in love. Although things may start out wonderfully in the beginning, there is always the fear that it won't last, that difficulties will arise, feelings will start to change. Then when things alter, as they naturally must, many have the mistaken idea that the love is disappearing. . They wonder what went wrong.

Nothing went wrong. Change is natural and inevitable. It does not mean that the love has gone away. That is a mistaken idea of what love is. We simply have to know what love is, and how to keep it growing, through all the ups and downs.

The Perfect Partner

When we initially fall in love, we feel we have found "the perfect person." A tremendous excitement takes over. We project many wonderful qualities upon our partner and block out any faults. Then we feel that we, too, must be so wonderful to have a partner who is so ideal. For many there is the feeling that they have finally discovered someone who will be able to give them all the love, approval and inspiration they have sought all their lives.

This is a huge demand to make upon another person, but it happens anyway. When this demand is not fulfilled, a deep disappointment can arise. It seems as though the partner has failed us, but in truth it is the unrealistic demands we have made that is causing pain.

Guide 1: Take a close look at what you are expecting from your partner. Is it possible? Are you setting yourself up for a fall?

Realize that no one can make up for years of upset. No one can give you all you need to feel whole. You must learn to love, grow and become whole on your own. You must become your own best friend, and also learn to be a friend to the other

After a period of time, when we feel more secure in the relationship, it is inevitable that reality starts to set in. Different qualities in our partner become obvious. It's hard to keep pretending that the person matches all our dreams. It is at this point that questions and doubts start to surface. Perhaps there is a desire to "change" the other to meet our image, or a feeling that if they loved us enough, they would naturally change.

Both stop a moment and think carefully. Another person does not exist to meet all of your needs and dreams. This is not love. It is using anotheras an object to meet our needs. This desire itself cause our pain.

Guide 2: No one has to change for you to love them. Nor do you have to change to be worthy of love. You can never change enough to please another person. The work of love is to be able to love the other just as they are, and to also love yourself.

The work of love is the work of learning to accept the other person, and also to accept yourself. Love is not a feeling that stays the same all the time. Love is a verb. It grows as we face change and difficulty. Love grows through actions we take, through understanding and through developing the ability to really know who the other is and to really become their friend.

"A feeling that is here one minute and gone the next cannot be called love."

Kabir . cc/Dr Brenda Shoshanna/2005

----------------------------

Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D., psychologist, speaker and author is a long term Zen practitioner whose work integrates Zen and everyday life. The relationship expert on i.village.com, she offers workshops and talks on relationships and is the author of many books. The most recent is Living By Zen (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), http://www.livingbyzen.com. She is also the author of Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and many other books. She can be reached at http://www.livingbyzen.com. Her personal website is http://www.livingbyzen.com.

reliable home cleaners Mundelein ..
In The News:

Learn how to act against cybercriminals in 2026 with essential security steps like two-factor authentication, software updates and credit freezing.
Choose between OpenAI releasing Sora text-to-video model, the AI race heating up, or Waymo driverless cars launching in cities across the country
Learn how to set up Google Maps and Apple Maps on your phone to automatically remember where you parked. Step-by-step instructions for enabling location services and parking detection.
Phishing scammers use rnicrosoft.com domain to impersonate Microsoft by replacing "m" with "rn" in typosquatting attacks that steal login credentials.
OpenAI announces new teen safety rules for ChatGPT users under 18, blocking romantic roleplay and requiring extra caution on body image topics.
A 2025 data breach at fintech company 700Credit exposes personal information of more than 5.8 million people through compromised third-party integration partner.
Retailers lose $76.5 billion annually to return fraud as nearly 10% of U.S. retail returns involve fraudulent activity, with $850 billion in returns expected in 2025.
ShinyHunters claims responsibility for stealing 94GB of Pornhub user data affecting over 200 million records and demands Bitcoin ransom.
ChatGPT 2025 now connects to Apple Music, Canva, Expedia, TripAdvisor and OpenTable through built-in apps that help users create playlists, design graphics and more.
Apple releases emergency patches for two zero-day vulnerabilities actively exploited in attacks. iPhone and iPad users urged to update immediately.
DoorDash launches Zesty, an AI-powered social app that recommends restaurants through conversational search, now testing in San Francisco and New York.
Cybersecurity firm Infoblox reveals that over 90 percent of parked domains now redirect visitors to scams and malware, making simple typos extremely dangerous.
The Fox News AI Newsletter covers the latest artificial intelligence technology advancements, including the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.
GPT-5.2 is now live for all ChatGPT users with improved coding, writing and image interpretation, with Kurt Knutsson offering his review.
New iPhone replacement scam uses pressure tactics and fake carrier calls to steal devices from buyers. Criminals claim shipping errors and demand urgent returns.
Amazon Ring's new facial recognition feature sparks privacy controversy as Electronic Frontier Foundation critics argue the AI upgrade expands surveillance risks.
New Android banking trojan Sturnus steals credentials, reads encrypted messages and controls devices.
Denmark's 3D-printed student village proves automation builds 36 apartments faster than traditional methods. Skovsporet project shows housing future.
Discover Android's new Sound Notifications feature that alerts you to smoke alarms, doorbells, and baby cries even when wearing headphones.
New SantaStealer malware reportedly threatens holiday shoppers with password theft. This Christmas-themed info-stealer targets browsers and crypto wallets.
The Christmas season brings a surge in Netflix phishing scams targeting shoppers with fake emails. Stacey P received convincing scam but verified account first.
San Francisco Giants invite Jamie Grohsong to throw ceremonial first pitch at Oracle Park after he learned to play baseball with a bionic hand following an injury.
FBI warns cybercriminals are stealing family photos from social media to create fake proof of life images in virtual kidnapping scams targeting victims.
Instagram's new 'Your Algorithm' tool lets you control your Reels feed in real time. The app now gives you power to customize what videos you see.
Major Marquis fintech breach exposes 400,000-plus Americans' data through unpatched SonicWall vulnerability, with Texas hardest hit at 354,000 affected.

How to Choose a Marriage Counselor

You have made the decision to contact a marriage counselor.... Read More

Wedding Gown Styles

The wedding gown is most important choice for a bride... Read More

A Guide to Wedding Invitations

The wedding date and time has been set, the location... Read More

To Stay Married, Keep Dating

One of my favorite memories from last year was not... Read More

June Weddings

From the book Spider's Big CatchAs June wraps its arms... Read More

The Perfect Wedding Budget

Creating a wedding budget is one of the first things... Read More

Wedding Planning: Tips for Choosing Online Wedding Vendors

If you're looking to the internet for help with your... Read More

Writing Your Wedding Vows the Way Poets Do

Let's face it, not many of us have the kind... Read More

Wedding Reception Entertainment - Choose Wisely

When planning your wedding, what type of entertainment are you... Read More

Getting Married? Read this 1st.

Original gift ideas for your Bridesmaids and Bestman.What better way... Read More

The Wedding Aisle - Who is Walking You Down it?

Choosing who should walk down the aisle with you is... Read More

Low Budget Wedding Reception

The reception alone will bust your wedding budget if you're... Read More

Wedding Reception Made for You

No matter how well you plan all the aspects of... Read More

Engagement Party Ideas To Wow The Crowd!

He's proposed, and most likely you're flashing your new engagement... Read More

Create A Beautifull Wedding Album With A Simple And Fun Way

Hi If you are getting married or have a Bar... Read More

Your Wedding Invitation?s in the (e)Mail: Pros and Cons of the Virtual Wedding Invitation

From purchasing the garter to choosing the photographer, brides (and... Read More

Creating A Prenuptial Agreement

Embarking upon a marriage is a wonderful time in life... Read More

How To Keep Love Alive In Your Marriage

In the beginning of a relationship, love seems to have... Read More

A Look at Maui Wedding Cakes

Since Maui and Hawaii in general have been blessed with... Read More

Trust in Marriage

A couple should trust each other in many ways. When... Read More

Wedding Rings

Your wedding rings were meant to last a lifetime. They... Read More

Loose Moissanite Stones, A Great Way to Buy Your Moissanite Jewelry

Moissanite is fast becoming the new diamonds. The newest jewelry... Read More

Divorce Rate Plummets As More Americans Shack Up Instead of Getting Married

More Americans are taking "til death do us part" seriously.... Read More

Building Your Marriage: Some Thoughts From St. Paul

These verses of Scripture from St. Paul are commonly used... Read More

Choosing the Wedding Disc Jockey

Your wedding day is the day when all the details... Read More

insured cleaning company Wilmette ..