Ending Co-Dependence

Why does Co-dependence arise? Well because two or more individuals make an unconscious contract with each other to try to satisfy the unmet needs of the other. Initially, especially in the case of a couple, this contract is defined as "love". For instance, how many times have you heard yourself or others say something like "I can't live without you". Usually this means "without you my needs won't get met". In other words, "I will start to feel empty, needy, anxious and desperate without my needs being met by you".

The reason that this type of relational contract eventually breaks down is because no one can possibly meet the needs of any other person. Trying to do so would take so much energy and effort that it would essentially deplete the person trying to. Hence at some point the person whose needs are not being satisfied will start to feel disgruntled and perhaps start using the following expression, "you don't love me any more" when what they really mean is "you have broken your contract to meet my needs".

The unfortunate result of such a broken contract is that either the individuals part and try to find someone else to meet their unmet needs or they try to force, or coerce, usually through guilt, the other person into trying to meet their needs. This is when things can get very ugly. So what can be done about this ongoing saga that seems to affect almost all relationships in my view?

Although this may not be met with applause by most individuals reading this article I must say that it becomes necessary to address one's unmet needs one's self. This is the alternative to trying to turn one's partner or friend into becoming one's "new parent". The latter strategy will always fail and leaves one's integrity in tatters. Trust me, I've seen happen hundreds of times.

So how does one address one's needs one's self? In order to begin to address this I offer an example of a common need: "I need you to validate me so I can feel good about myself".

Let's look closely at what this need implies. The need suggests that it is there to help motivate the individual to get the validation he/she needs, so that, it will get met, so that, it will make that individual feel complete, whole, will give them self esteem and self confidence.

In other words that "the need to be validated will make them feel good about themselves".

So what I would like to suggest you do right now, if you wish, is summon up the need to be validated in yourself (if this is something you personally struggle with) and notice whether you feel good about yourself as you are aware of it's effect on you.

Do you feel good about yourself knowing that you have such a need? I doubt it. In fact you may feel somewhat foolish or weakened by having such a toxic need inside you. Is this what you want living inside you?

If not, make some simple statements to the effect that a) you acknowledge that the belief that this need is helping you is false b) that the need itself is toxic to you i.e. it weakens you and leaves you "needy" and c) that you would like the need and the false belief that it helps you feel good about yourself purged from your life.

I will leave it to you to determine for yourself the impact that such a simple process can have on your life and on your relationships. For more help with such issues you can visit the web site below.

Dr. Nick Arrizza is trained in Chemical Engineering, Business Management & Leadership, Medicine and Psychiatry. He is a Key Note Speaker, Author, Stress Management Coach, Peak Performance Coach & Researcher, Specializes in Life and Executive Performance Coaching, is the Developer of a powerful new tool called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) that helps build phyiscal, emotional, mental and spirtual well being by helping to permanently release negative beliefs, emotions, perceptions and memories. He holds live workshops, international telephone coaching sessions and international teleconference workshops on Physical. Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Well Being. Personal Url: http://www.telecoaching4u.com

spring cleaning service Deerfield ..

In The News:

Analysts at Silent Push have uncovered a widespread scam that uses counterfeit retail websites to steal the credit card information of online shoppers.

Chrome users need to update their browsers immediately as Google addresses a critical vulnerability that hackers are actively exploiting. Additional security measures are recommended.

A study found teens glance at phones for dangerous two-second intervals while driving, using devices primarily for entertainment, texting and navigation despite crash risks.

Security researchers uncovered a flaw in Windows 11 that allows attackers to disable Secure Boot using Microsoft-signed tools, requiring manual updates to protect against bootkits.

Carnegie Mellon's noninvasive brain technology allows users to move robotic fingers by thinking about the motion, offering new possibilities for people with motor impairments.

Multi-factor authentication (MFA) adds an extra layer of protection to your accounts. Instead of relying only on a password, MFA requires you to verify your identity using two or more methods.

Scientists from Duke, Harvard, and the University of Otago have unveiled a game-changing tool called DunedinPACNI. It uses a single AI brain scan to reveal how fast a person is biologically aging.

A disturbing wave of fake agent phone scams is sweeping across the United States, catching people off guard and draining their savings.

Emojis aren't just playful add-ons; they're powerful tools for building stronger connections in our increasingly digital world.

Google has taken a major step toward the future of clean energy by partnering with Commonwealth Fusion Systems (CFS), an MIT spin-out working to build one of the world’s first commercial fusion reactors.

If you create and share art online, you might have seen messages warning that Facebook's parent company, Meta, claims the right to use or even sell anything you post, whether it's pictures, poems, or artwork.

Cybercriminals hit Qantas in a major data breach that exposed information from up to six million customers.

Having reliable, loud, and timely emergency alerts on your phone or device is important because when severe weather strikes, every second counts.

Here's how your daily brew is becoming the foundation for greener buildings.

Artificial intelligence (AI) and large language models (LLMs), such as ChatGPT, are transforming how we learn. But what does this mean for AI and learning retention?

Modern AI data centers use much more electricity than traditional cloud servers. In many cases, the existing power grid cannot keep up. One innovative solution is gaining traction: repurposed EV batteries for AI data centers.

Microsoft 365 and Outlook users are being targeted by a tactic that injects fake billing alerts directly into their calendars.

Researchers are now showing us that old smartphones as data centers could be the next big thing in sustainable tech.

Scientists have created micro-robots for sinus infection treatment that can enter the nasal cavity, eliminate bacteria directly at the source, and exit without harming surrounding tissue.

Let's examine how your data is collected in everyday life, who is buying and selling it, what happens to it afterward, and, most importantly, what you can do to protect yourself.

Researchers at the University of Sheffield in the U.K. developed small robots called "Pipebots" that can travel inside water pipes to find and potentially repair leaks, all without any excavation.

A groundbreaking new study has uncovered disturbing AI blackmail behavior that many people are unaware of yet.

Four teams of autonomous humanoid robots competed in China's first AI soccer tournament, demonstrating advanced capabilities in ball detection and independent decision-making.

The ID. Buzz autonomous van features self-driving technology with 13 cameras, nine LiDAR units and five radars after Volkswagen partnered with Hamburg and Uber for 2026 deployments.

Social Security phishing scams use urgency and impersonation to steal personal data. Learn how to spot fake SSA emails and implement 10 protective measures.

Ending Co-Dependence

Marriage & Wedding