What about this business of food for lovers? Is it possible that if you eat this, that or the other thing, your time in bed with your partner will be more satisfyingly active? And is this food only designed for men, or is there something out there in the world to kick-start those lazy, inert women, as well?
Without trying to unravel the debate of nature versus nurture, the subject of food for lovers always seemed to be of more importance to men than women.
In the medieval times, when the master in the manor fed on deer haunches, partridge wings and boars' entrails, while his peasant tenant avoided starvation by whatever means he could, just being well fed was enough to activate the procreating process. Indeed, the master of the land, only too aware of the puniness of his undernourished male tenants, had a rule. A bride, before entering her husband's bed, would first be visited by the master himself. The husband didn't like it, of course. But the master knew his duty when he saw it. He might be a lousy landlord in many other ways, but letting a bride have at least one vigorous night was one duty into which he threw himself heart and soul.
Being well fed was well and good, thought the well-fed guys. "But you know," one would say to the other, "I had some Indian curry last Friday night in the little place that just opened around the corner from my place. Boy, did I perform that night! What do you think they put in the stuff?"
And thus started the search for the ultimate aphrodisiac.
In the Elizabethan times, the ladies of the red-light district believed they had the answer. As the client stood around kicking his heels waiting for his turn, the Madam would be circulating with a silver platter piled high with prunes. A real libido-enhancer, a handful of prunes, and by the time he took to the stairs three at a time, the timid pimply hayseed of a moment ago would be transformed into an Errol Flynn.
On the other hand, the Sultan, with his harem of a hundred or so hand-picked beauties, wouldn't give you a penny ? or whatever the Euro equivalent ? for a prune. His secret weapon was the eggplant. The more eggplant he ate, the more he could rise to the occasion. The potency of the eggplant was so great, that it was actually forbidden to the lovelies themselves. There was no saying what lusts would be unleashed once the frustrated ladies fed on this forbidden passion-starter.
And speaking of forbidden, there is another food being touted as more potent than any other ever used any time through the whole history of human civilization. It's a well-known fruit, that if taken three times a day, is guaranteed not only to stop men from wasting money on those artificial pick-me-ups, but also changes women from boring lumps of flesh to dynamic men-eaters.
This food has been around so long, that it seems unbelievable that it has taken all this time to uncover its virtue. And yet how inevitable.
It's, of course, the apple. Discovered by Adam and Eve, the story of good and evil diverted everyone from the real point of the story. After eating it, not only did man and woman discover their sexuality, but they were spurred to do something about it.
Three apples a day for the rest of your life. That's all it will take.
Oh, happy, happy day! No more eggplant.
Vlady, an Australian Civil Marriage Celebrant, is an author of "The Complete Book of Australian Weddings", "The Small Organisation Handbook", and an ebook, "Honeymoon! A Sizzle or a Fizzle?".
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