Give-and Take: Recipe for Success in Marriage?

A woman once visited a counselor to ask a question about her marriage. I have a funny feeling that you might not be especially impressed with the answer she was given.

All the same, I'll take my chances. I think my shoulders are broad enough.

I stand by the counselor's response 100%.

The questioner (let's call her Jane) was married to a divorcee. Her husband (John) had to pay a certain sum of money every month to his previous wife as alimony, or whatever.

Sticky patch

He had just started a new business and was passing through a financial sticky patch. The obligation to his ex-wife, on top of everything else, was putting John under a lot of pressure.

Jane was a working person and gladly helped to pay the family debts. She never thought twice about it. But could she be expected to contribute in this case?

Surely, reasoned Jane, her husband's financial commitment to somebody to whom he had been married previously had nothing to do with her? Yes, she and John were life partners and she was happy to share all his burdens.

But even for what happened in a previous life, so to speak? Wasn't that going too far?

"I must confess I don't really understand your question," the counselor gently told Jane after listening intently to her dilemma.

"You and John are husband and wife. John has a debt. He's struggling to pay it. What difference does it make what the debt is for? It's a debt, period!"

The counselor smiled warmly at Jane before she continued.

"His problems are your problems. You're in this together. Why on earth shouldn't you help pay the debt? If, after all, it's difficult for you to accept this, it must be that there's some deeper problem in your marriage..."

And that's it.

Don't hit the roof!

Now, it's important not to misunderstand the counselor, or me. I don't want your blood pressure to hit the roof! We have to keep cool heads and put everything in the proper perspective.

First of all, she wasn't implying, of course, that John now had a licence to sit back, put his legs up, and meditate blissfully about the higher meaning of life, while his dear and ever obliging spouse worked like a donkey to pay the price of his past.

Not at all. I should think that's pretty obvious, but I have to stress it just in case.

Secondly, when we talk about husband and wife being full partners in the business of living, about sharing each other's burdens - financial or otherwise - no less than each other's joys, we are not saying for one moment that either party must contribute more than is reasonable.

In the case of our story, Jane was a high-earning professional. In other instances, a wife may bring in little or no income, for any of a number of reasons. It may not be desirable that she be working at all.

And not only money!

But that's hardly the point. We're talking of quality, rather than quantity. One can only do what one can, but it's the real desire to help that counts. And contributing doesn't only mean money.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't really like the use of the word PARTNER in connection with marriage.

True, we've used it up to now, for want of a better term. It does come in handy to describe a good marriage relationship, up to a point.

Yet, I hardly think that an ideal marriage relationship is a "partnership" in the same sense that we talk about a business partnership, for example. Not at all. When we think of a partnership, we usually think about a contract between two parties. A 50-50 sharing of responsibilities,or the like.

Confused?

A little confused? Well, let me explain!

Do you have children? Good! Do you love them?

"What a question!" you exclaim, "Gee, how I love them!"

"Don't you know the sacrifices we made for them? From the moment they came into this world, when they depended on us for their very survival, my spouse and I gave them our all. Just as much as a whimper from them in the middle of the night, and we were there to attend to their needs. Even now, they may disappoint us, anger us or hurt us, but we continue to cater to their every whim...Do you need any greater proof that we love them!"

So...is that why you've done so much for them - because you love them so much?

Wrong way round

Could be. But even more, I'd say it's the other way round: You love them so intensely BECAUSE you've done so much for them!

This is nothing more or less than human nature, and I think there's a great lesson for us here. We need to think about this very carefully.

Sometimes, when two people begin to think about marrying each other, they think in terms of some business arrangement. Whether they verbally express it that way or not, their minds work something along these lines:

"You have needs and I have needs. Maybe, if I satisfy yours, you will satisfy mine. You wash the dishes and I'll pay the rent. Sundays to Tuesdays I'll take out the garbage, and for the remainder of the week you will. Other duties will be divided by mutual consent. For every suit I buy, you can buy two pairs of shoes..."

If this is the marriage you want, good luck to you! It's a free world. But will you be happy? I mean, really happy? I wonder.

Many people will tell you that for a happy marriage, you need what they describe as "give-and-take".

Give and take? Nonsense! Forget about it!

What you need is "give and give." And give again. And again.

That's the royal road to happiness.

Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene.

recurring cleaning service Mundelein ..
In The News:

Multi-factor authentication (MFA) adds an extra layer of protection to your accounts. Instead of relying only on a password, MFA requires you to verify your identity using two or more methods.
Scientists from Duke, Harvard, and the University of Otago have unveiled a game-changing tool called DunedinPACNI. It uses a single AI brain scan to reveal how fast a person is biologically aging.
A disturbing wave of fake agent phone scams is sweeping across the United States, catching people off guard and draining their savings.
Emojis aren't just playful add-ons; they're powerful tools for building stronger connections in our increasingly digital world.
Google has taken a major step toward the future of clean energy by partnering with Commonwealth Fusion Systems (CFS), an MIT spin-out working to build one of the world’s first commercial fusion reactors.
If you create and share art online, you might have seen messages warning that Facebook's parent company, Meta, claims the right to use or even sell anything you post, whether it's pictures, poems, or artwork.
Cybercriminals hit Qantas in a major data breach that exposed information from up to six million customers.
Having reliable, loud, and timely emergency alerts on your phone or device is important because when severe weather strikes, every second counts.
Here's how your daily brew is becoming the foundation for greener buildings.
Artificial intelligence (AI) and large language models (LLMs), such as ChatGPT, are transforming how we learn. But what does this mean for AI and learning retention?
Modern AI data centers use much more electricity than traditional cloud servers. In many cases, the existing power grid cannot keep up. One innovative solution is gaining traction: repurposed EV batteries for AI data centers.
Microsoft 365 and Outlook users are being targeted by a tactic that injects fake billing alerts directly into their calendars.
Researchers are now showing us that old smartphones as data centers could be the next big thing in sustainable tech.
Scientists have created micro-robots for sinus infection treatment that can enter the nasal cavity, eliminate bacteria directly at the source, and exit without harming surrounding tissue.
Let's examine how your data is collected in everyday life, who is buying and selling it, what happens to it afterward, and, most importantly, what you can do to protect yourself.
Researchers at the University of Sheffield in the U.K. developed small robots called "Pipebots" that can travel inside water pipes to find and potentially repair leaks, all without any excavation.
A groundbreaking new study has uncovered disturbing AI blackmail behavior that many people are unaware of yet.
Four teams of autonomous humanoid robots competed in China's first AI soccer tournament, demonstrating advanced capabilities in ball detection and independent decision-making.
The ID. Buzz autonomous van features self-driving technology with 13 cameras, nine LiDAR units and five radars after Volkswagen partnered with Hamburg and Uber for 2026 deployments.
Social Security phishing scams use urgency and impersonation to steal personal data. Learn how to spot fake SSA emails and implement 10 protective measures.
French startup Pazzi Robotics created an AI-powered pizza robot that made pies in under five minutes without human help, but it closed in 2022 despite patents and expert partnerships.
Reclaim your time from big tech with effective screen time reduction strategies for iPhone and Android, featuring steps to limit app usage and create phone-free zones.
Amazon Prime Day shoppers face threats from 120,000-plus scam websites as cybercriminals prepare phishing traps and malware ahead of the July sales event.
Fox News' AI Newsletter brings you the latest on this rapidly evolving technology.
The AEON humanoid robot tackles labor challenges with Nvidia AI, Microsoft Azure cloud and advanced spatial awareness, working alongside industry leaders Schaeffler and Pilatus.

Net Savvy Indian Brides and Grooms

India is a diverse, multi-cultural country with people of various... Read More

Dealing With Your Spouses Sexual Past

"Couples who've had sex before marriage will inevitably have sexual... Read More

Wedding and Bridal Jewelry

So your not one of those fabulous actresses or models... Read More

Moissanite Bridal Rings ?True Choice Of The Young Heart

What best way can a bride think of rising to... Read More

How to Save Money on Wedding Photography

All brides want that one photograph that perfectly captures the... Read More

Its the Heart (and heat) of the Wedding Season - Sun & Heat Protection During an Outdoor Wedding

So, you decided to opt for an outdoor wedding under... Read More

Wedding Frames ? Are Your Wedding Photographs Safe?

One of the top priorities on a wedding day is... Read More

Wife Smarter Than Husband?

Is it safe for a wife to be smarter than... Read More

How to Find the Right Bridesmaid Dresses for Your Wedding

The kind of bridesmaid dresses your bridal attendants should should... Read More

Here Comes the Bride

As we hear the music begin to play the Bridal... Read More

Wedding Planning

Depending on your personal preferences and the preferences of your... Read More

Bridal Budget Beware

Getting hitched, taking the plunge, tying the knot, jumping the... Read More

Honeymoon Vacation Ideas can be Economical

If you are looking for honeymoon vacation ideas that will... Read More

Wedding Dresses - How to Select the Best One for You

Every bride would agree that her wedding dress should be... Read More

Finding the Perfect Bridesmaid Gift

The bridesmaid gift is essential to the planning of a... Read More

Wedding Planning: Tips for Choosing Online Wedding Vendors

If you're looking to the internet for help with your... Read More

Marriage Tips: Breathe Your Way to a Happier Marriage

One way to increase your chances of enjoying a happy... Read More

Get a Prenuptial Agreement before Your Next Marriage

While signing a prenuptial agreement can be one of the... Read More

Wedding Dresses - Frequently Asked Questions

You've gotten engaged and have set the wedding date and... Read More

How to Select a Wedding Photographer

Selecting a wedding photographer can be a daunting task. Not... Read More

Mattresses and Marriage ? a Match Made in Heaven

Mattresses and marriage go hand in hand. Sleep is important... Read More

Enhancing Communication in Marriage

In marriages, many arguments and hurt feelings can be traced... Read More

Married 4 Good Thinking

Although I do believe in "till death do us part",... Read More

Choosing A Wedding Photographer

The wedding day is the day that most women wait... Read More

5 Tips To Select The Best Wedding Reception Location

Being disc jockeys, we get the opportunity to evaluate many... Read More

cleaning service near Mundelein ..