Home
>
Marriage & Wedding
>
Marriage Counseling: How to Keep Jealousy From Destroying Your Marriage

Marriage Counseling: How to Keep Jealousy From Destroying Your Marriage

Jealousy has often been called the "green-eyed monster," and with good reason. The "monster" is fueled by envy and can over time devour the trust and harmony in a relationship.

According to B.C. Forbes, "Jealousy...is a mental cancer." It spreads quickly and can be fatal to a marriage. Once it gets a foothold, the jealous spouse becomes even more jealous, often over insignificant things. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield captures what happens in these remarks: "My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."

You're more prone to jealousy and envy when you are feeling insecure and fearful. Several years into my first marriage, I remember feeling unusually jealous of a woman that my husband worked with. The co-worker had dark, sultry looks, long flowing hair, and a figure that drove males wild. As if that wasn't enough, she was also funny and outgoing, with great communication and social skills. At office parties, the husbands could be found circled around her, competing for her attention.

At the time, I was too embarrassed to tell my husband that I had been ambushed by such intense envy. Eventually, the co-worker moved on to another company, but I still vividly remember how much I wanted to be like her and how depressed I felt each time I compared my attributes to hers.

"To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self," states Joan Didion. Jealousy brings out the worst in us and causes us to resent someone else for having what we think we don't have-looks, charm, money, prestige, romance, charisma, success. When we're jealous, whatever measuring stick we use makes us feel lacking and "less than."

Fear is also involved when we feel jealous-fear that we'll never have what the other person has, fear that we're not as good as someone else, fear of losing our spouse to another, fear that we're not attractive or desired, and fear of being ridiculed. Joseph Addison defines jealousy as "...that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves." When we're jealous, we feel insecure and lack self-esteem.

A counseling client once shared that he was being torn apart by jealousy. Whenever his wife was even a few minutes late, he visualized her stopping to flirt with someone in the grocery store or became convinced that she was using the time to secretly call another man. His rational mind knew that there was nothing to base these anxieties on, that his wife loved him and had never betrayed his trust. But he was unable to stop his "worst scenario" fantasies.

As we dug deeper into his past experiences, it turned out that his first long-term girlfriend in college had secretly cheated on him with a close friend of his. Thus, he was transferring his fears from the previous experience onto his wife. He became extremely jealous and afraid that he was going to lose her in the same way. Ironically, the marriage had become so unbearable for his wife that she did eventually turn her affections toward someone else. The client's inability to control his jealousy brought about the very thing he was afraid would happen. By the time he finally came for counseling, his obsessive jealousy had already killed the marriage.

For a marriage to be healthy, there has to be trust, and jealousy undermines that trust. The following seven tips can help you to keep jealousy from undermining your relationship with your spouse:

1. When you first notice that you're feeling jealous, immediately try to identify what insecurity or fear is being triggered. Is it a fear of abandonment? A fear that you don't measure up? Your own insecurities about not feeling successful or attractive enough? When insecurities or fears are activated, you're more likely to overreact in a way that could hurt your relationship.

2. Instead of focusing on the behavior that you want your spouse to stop so that you won't feel the uncomfortable pangs of jealousy, examine your self-talk. Are you telling yourself, "My wife shouldn't be flirting with him like that," or "My husband will probably leave me for someone else one day"? You can change how you feel by changing what you tell yourself about the situation.

3. Take a close look at your past history. Did one of your parents cheat on the other one? Did a spouse in your first marriage betray you? Or did you cheat on a partner in the past? If so, it is likely that you are projecting your past experiences and feelings on to your present spouse. Try to keep the past separate from the present.

4. Do a reality check. Instead of getting upset about the future scenario your mind has jumped to, list what exact behaviors you're upset about. Your list might read, "My wife talked to a handsome bachelor that she had just met when we were at our friend's party. She smiled and laughed and looked like she was having a good time." So the objective list of behaviors includes talking, smiling, laughing, and looking like she was having a good time-not exactly unusual party behavior.

5. Stay rooted in the present moment, and reel in your imagination before it runs away with you. You don't want to damage your relationship by accusing your spouse of something he or she didn't do. Besides harming the trust and harmony of your marriage, if you routinely accuse your spouse of imaginary transgressions, you could end up pushing him or her into the very behavior you're zeroing in on.

6. Think before you speak. Notice the difference in the two following approaches: A) "I felt neglected last night at the party when you never spent any time with me. In fact, if I'm really honest, I was starting to feel slightly jealous, and I don't like that feeling. I really need to talk about this with you." or B) "I am so sick of you always flirting with every man in sight when we go to a party. People are going to think you're nothing but a tramp." Think about which approach will be most likely to result in a meaningful discussion.

7. Remind yourself that your spouse chose you, so he or she finds you and your qualities attractive. Also remember that confidence and self-respect is attractive to others. When you throw a jealous fit, you appear insecure and needy, as if you need constant reassurance of your spouse's commitment. Repeat to yourself, "My wife (or husband) loves me and chose me to spend her life with. I'm lucky to have such a personable, attractive spouse who loves me."

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.keepyourmarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

scheduled cleaning services Northbrook ..

In The News:

Apple releases emergency patches for two zero-day vulnerabilities actively exploited in attacks. iPhone and iPad users urged to update immediately.

DoorDash launches Zesty, an AI-powered social app that recommends restaurants through conversational search, now testing in San Francisco and New York.

Cybersecurity firm Infoblox reveals that over 90 percent of parked domains now redirect visitors to scams and malware, making simple typos extremely dangerous.

The Fox News AI Newsletter covers the latest artificial intelligence technology advancements, including the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

GPT-5.2 is now live for all ChatGPT users with improved coding, writing and image interpretation, with Kurt Knutsson offering his review.

New iPhone replacement scam uses pressure tactics and fake carrier calls to steal devices from buyers. Criminals claim shipping errors and demand urgent returns.

Amazon Ring's new facial recognition feature sparks privacy controversy as Electronic Frontier Foundation critics argue the AI upgrade expands surveillance risks.

New Android banking trojan Sturnus steals credentials, reads encrypted messages and controls devices.

Denmark's 3D-printed student village proves automation builds 36 apartments faster than traditional methods. Skovsporet project shows housing future.

Discover Android's new Sound Notifications feature that alerts you to smoke alarms, doorbells, and baby cries even when wearing headphones.

New SantaStealer malware reportedly threatens holiday shoppers with password theft. This Christmas-themed info-stealer targets browsers and crypto wallets.

The Christmas season brings a surge in Netflix phishing scams targeting shoppers with fake emails. Stacey P received convincing scam but verified account first.

San Francisco Giants invite Jamie Grohsong to throw ceremonial first pitch at Oracle Park after he learned to play baseball with a bionic hand following an injury.

FBI warns cybercriminals are stealing family photos from social media to create fake proof of life images in virtual kidnapping scams targeting victims.

Instagram's new 'Your Algorithm' tool lets you control your Reels feed in real time. The app now gives you power to customize what videos you see.

Major Marquis fintech breach exposes 400,000-plus Americans' data through unpatched SonicWall vulnerability, with Texas hardest hit at 354,000 affected.

Free up iPhone storage fast by clearing large photos and videos from Messages app. Simple steps for iOS users to delete attachments without losing chats.

Scammers are flooding inboxes with fake tracking alerts that mimic real carriers, exploiting the holiday rush to steal logins and personal data.

The Fox News AI Newsletter brings you the latest news on AI technology advancements and the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Texas family reunites with missing 11-year-old cat Grayson after 103 days using Petco Love Lost's AI photo matching technology and community help.

Tired of AI customer service loops? These insider tricks help you escape "frustration AI" and get real human help when you need it most for urgent issues.

Unlock richer audio from your streaming apps with simple tweaks to volume normalization, equalizer settings, and quality preferences for cleaner sound.

Scammers are sending fake Facebook settlement payout emails that mimic legitimate notices from the privacy settlement administrator to deceive users.

Holiday shopping scams surge as fake refund emails target distracted consumers during Black Friday and holiday seasons, costing Americans billions annually.

The AI-powered IRMO M1 exoskeleton features four modes, including turbo, eco, training and rest for hiking, running, cycling and sports with eight-hour battery life.

Marriage Counseling: How to Keep Jealousy From Destroying Your Marriage

Marriage & Wedding