Home
>
Marriage & Wedding
>
How to Avoid Destructive Dynamics in Your Marriage

How to Avoid Destructive Dynamics in Your Marriage

A dynamic that prevents real connection in a relationship is when a couple engage in controlled/controlling behaviour. This is when one person tries to control the other, and the other allows themselves to be controlled.

Sarah and Mike are an example of this. Mike works long hours in a professional career which he enjoys. Sarah had a satisfying career in retail, which she gave up when children came along.

Mike got more and more involved in his career, whilst Sarah felt more and more disillusioned with being a full time mother.

Mike liked order and routine in his life. He believed they had an agreement. The house and children were Sarah's responsibility.

Mike paid Sarah a housekeeping amount each week and he maintained the rest of the finances. When Sarah talked about going back to work, he believed she was going back on what they had agreed.

Sarah stopped talking about it.

Sarah resented what she perceived as Mike's freedom. Sarah resisted any suggestions from Mike about interests she could pursue or hobbies she could try. Mike felt he was trying to help.

He was worried she was unhappy. Sarah didn't see concern, only control. She felt manipulated and powerless.

It's easy to see the pattern. The more Mike tried to control the situation, the more Sarah rebelled, forcing him to try and control even more. Underneath control is fear - fear of being out of control.

But people aren't controllable, no one has control over how another will react. It doesn't work. The more Sarah rebels, the more controlling he becomes.

Finally, after years of arguing and Sarah feeling unfulfilled, Sarah said she wasn't sure if the relationship was what she wanted any more.

The controlled/controlling relationship relies on both parties to opt in - in order for Mike to control Sarah, she has to relent to being controlled. For many couples, this may not be a conscious action. It develops over a period of time.

Do you think there could be a imbalance problem of this type in your relationship? It's important to see relationships as constantly evolving. Things do change, and what may suit at some stage may not be appropriate down the track.

If either Mike or Sarah choose not to control/be controlled any more, the relationship has to develop in new ways. While the old way of relating may not be a conscious decision, deciding to change certainly is.

In the Mike/Sarah scenario, before they can get the 'WE' right, Sarah needs to have the freedom, time and means to find out what it is that she wants.

She needs to work out what it is that will fulfil her and make her happy. She needs to find a career path or area of interest that will reignite her interest and zest for life. It is up to her to find this, not Mike. Mike can support her discovery, but not map it out for her. Once Sarah knows what it is she wants, they together can plan out how that could work in their life.

Couples don't consciously decide to control/be controlled. It happens over time, often unintentionally. Both want control and neither will give it up. A power struggle ensues.

This is a real sign that the 'WE' is missing from the relationship. Both feel that to gain control of their lives, they need to hold on to the power - so the fighting begins.

In fact, when one or both give up the power struggle and focus on being an individual within the relationship, the struggle dissipates. Setting boundaries is a good way to get this equilibrium and avoiding destructive dynamics in your relationship.

Tania Dally is a relationship coach and author who helps you achieve happiness with the love of your life. For couples, this can mean recapturing the love that originally brought you together. For singles, this means preparing you to find your soulmate. Check out Tania's relationship advice blog.

house refresh service Glencoe ..

In The News:

DoorDash confirms data breach exposing customer names, emails, addresses after social engineering attack. Learn how to protect yourself from scams.

Concerned about Google's AI scanning your Gmail? Learn how to disable Gemini features that access your emails, Drive files and Chat messages for privacy.

Google warns Android users about dangerous fake VPN apps hiding malware that steals passwords, banking details and personal data from phones and tablets.

Apple's digital passport feature lets iPhone users breeze through TSA checkpoints this holiday season using Digital ID technology at 250+ airports.

A new phishing scam targets family photos with fake "Cloud Storage Full" alerts. Criminals steal credit card information through fake sites. Learn protection tips.

South Korean scientists create ultra-thin fabric muscles that turn clothes into robotic assistants, lifting 33 pounds while weighing under half an ounce.

Archer Aviation has acquired Hawthorne Airport for $126M to launch an LA air taxi network ahead of the 2028 Olympics, featuring AI-powered eVTOL operations and next-gen aviation tech.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Fake AI apps disguised as "ChatGPT" and "DALL·E" are flooding app stores with dangerous malware that steals data and monitors users without detection.

Fake buyers demand specific vehicle reports from unknown sites to steal credit card information from car sellers, but warning signs can help identify these scams before paying.

Android users can now manage apps across multiple devices more easily with Google Play Store's updated remote uninstall button in the latest update.

NASA's Perseverance rover discovers shiny metallic rock on Mars that could be a meteorite from an ancient asteroid, containing high levels of iron and nickel.

Holiday scams spike during Black Friday and Cyber Monday as criminals exploit your leaked personal data. Learn how to protect yourself from fake stores and phishing.

Commerce Department proposes TP-Link router ban over Chinese security risks. Learn how this potential prohibition could affect your home network and devices.

Hyundai AutoEver America suffered a data breach affecting 2,000 current and former employees, exposing names, Social Security numbers and driver's license information.

Washington court rules automated license plate reader images are public records, even when stored by vendors like Flock Safety, setting precedent for transparency.

Fake airline texts claiming flight cancellations are targeting travelers with convincing scams. Learn how cybercriminals steal personal data and credit card info.

Discover how iOS 26's new Adaptive Power feature automatically extends iPhone battery life by learning your usage patterns and adjusting performance intelligently.

New TikTok malware campaign tricks users into running PowerShell commands that download Aura Stealer, which steals credentials and authentication tokens.

Gaia Family offers fixed upfront pricing for IVF cycles with unlimited embryo transfers and financial protection, partnering with over 100 U.S. fertility clinics.

The Jetsons Act aims to position Pennsylvania as a leader in advanced air mobility by establishing regulations for hybrid ground-air vehicles.

Fake Geek Squad invoice emails are targeting users with convincing charges and urgent phone numbers to steal personal information and money.

Fox News Digital's artificial intelligence newsletter digs into a robot in Russia that faceplanted, George Clooney's alarm and OpenAI's rivalry with the New York Times.

Major data breach at Conduent exposes personal information of 10+ million people. Government contractor hit by cyberattack affecting Medicaid, child support systems.

Texas startup Janta Power raises $5.5M for innovative vertical solar towers that generate 50% more energy than traditional panels while using just one-third the land.

How to Avoid Destructive Dynamics in Your Marriage

Marriage & Wedding